shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
