When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.