Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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