I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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