im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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