Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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