I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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