I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
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you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Every concussion has its silver lining
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
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These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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