My underwear smells like fireworks.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
