I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
