if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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