I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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