This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
