a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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