and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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