worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Sober January is a disaster.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
