Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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