i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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