I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
