i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
