he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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