I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
