i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
