i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
