Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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