after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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