you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
