I just pynch a tree in the face
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
