I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
