why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Its about making memories worth repressing
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
