There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
