i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
