she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
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It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do