This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
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Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
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That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.