i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
