im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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