Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
