...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
