Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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