i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
