Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
