Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
