I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
