I think I died a long time ago.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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