I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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