I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
