Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
