Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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