is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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