I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
