well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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