Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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