you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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