True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
