Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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